Phones, Grocery Stores, Anxiety, and Sensory Overload

I took a great picture at our grocery store to go along with this, but I couldn't get it off my phone -.-

Ryan and I were in town yesterday today, and in that time, I had a few experiences relating the title of this blog. I guess I will start with phones.

I HATE phones. HATE THEM. I mean, my phone went out a few weeks ago and I about went mad without it, but I hate calling people. As soon as I need to call somebody, I get all nervous and anxious about EVERYTHING. I mean, it is NOT uncommon for me to make a list of topics I want to discuss on the phone before I make a call.

Ryan and I went to town for a church activity, but something occurred that made going through with that activity difficult (I won't go into details). Anyway, the result of it was that I had to call half the people in town to figure out how to solve the problem!!!! Needless to say, I discovered that my hands turn beet red when I'm nervous!!!!

I reflected on this a great deal. I think that the problem I have with the phones is that MY MIND JUMPS TRACKS. I remember leaving one message yesterday where I went on for a full minute trying to figure out what MY OWN PHONE NUMBER WAS! When I'm NOT put on the spot, I can tell you my number instantly, but when I was under the pressure of leaving a message, FORGET IT. I felt like I was going insane! I mean, seriously. I was so embarrassed after I left that message that I never wanted to touch the phone again!

In my readings, I can see a lot of reasons behind my phone phobia. One reason is the lack of visual cues that assist in reading the situation. Visual cues are important for an ADDer since over 90% of our communication is non-verbal. It's how I monitor my own communication. I mean, I can talk to my friend Josey on the phone for hours because I know her well, but talking to people I don't call on a regular basis . . . forget it. I don't know them well enough to be able to monitor myself, I guess.

The main problem I have when I make calls, though, is that my mind jumps tracks so easily. I think it does this especially when I feel put on the spot or nervous. It goes like this: I get nervous. I pick up the phone. I get more nervous. My mind jumps tracks. I rattle on. The call ends in what I feel is a disaster.

Yeap. That was my day yesterday.

Ok, flash forward to earlier today. Grocery stores . . .

The Moab grocery store is I-N-S-A-N-E right now! I mean seriously!

I have anxiety about grocery stores very similar to ones with phones. There's a reason why I never am seen in the grocery store alone. Grocery stores UNNERVE ME!

I think the problem with the grocery store is sensory overload. My brain takes in so many things all at once that it goes into overload, and I'm not even in the door before I start to feel overwhelmed.

I think it's all the people, the items, the sights, the sounds, the prices . . . especially the prices. One of the main challenges with ADDers is that their brains don't filter distractions.

Ryan and I try to live on a tight budget, which means we spend a lot of time looking at prices in the grocery store. I'm terrible at this. I look at the numbers, but my brain doesn't compute the meanings. I've gotten a bit better with this, but I'm still terrible. Grocery shopping was a lot easier when I just went in, grabbed the items, and left.

I find that I get really irritable, sometimes even aggressive, grocery shopping. From what I've read, I kinda suspect it's because I'm on sensory overload, and that's my body's way of coping with it--it's a very fight or flight response. It's especially bad when the grocery store is as chaotic as the one in Moab is this time of year (tourists EVERYWHERE).

Anyway, I have many more thoughts on these issues running through my head, but I won't bore you with all of the mundane insanity :P.

My Life As An ADDer

Sorry if this is so insanely long. It’s the background behind the blog!

I'm from the small town of Cedar City, Utah. I'm an only child of a single mother.

From the moment I hit school, I started to have troubles relating to other kids. By the time I hit 2nd grade, I began to realize what they all knew . . . I had issues.

I never knew why I couldn't relate well to those around me. When I was around people, I always chattered on endlessly about crazy things like my pets or my cousins (until I got that blank stare that told me that the person I was talking to thought I was crazy). I always talked loudly, interrupted often, and, well, let’s just say I can see why people thought I was a bit insane.

In school, I was always bored out of my mind. I always missed information that the teachers tried to teach, and sitting through classes was . . . let’s just say I felt like ripping my brain out through my ear, I was so bored (sorry about the imagery).

Somehow, I managed to bluff my way through middle school. By the time I got to high school, I had developed a “Back off and leave me alone” defense mechanism because no matter how hard I tried, I just could NOT function well in social situations. In school, I developed the persona of a slacker despite the fact that I enjoy learning. To say the least, it’s a miracle I made it out of high school.

When I got into college, I found that the manipulations I used to get myself through high school didn’t work in the college setting. I got Ds and Fs my entire first year, and at the end of my third semester, I was officially booted from the university.

Still, I had no idea why I had these troubles. Why could everybody else function in society while I had so many roadblocks? I felt stupid, so I decided to have an I.Q. test/Psychological Evaluation done.

Lo-and-behold, I discover the hidden secret behind my troubles. The Psychological revealed that I had Adult ADD and an Avoidant Personality Disorder. Yeah. Yikes! Anyway, I got on medication for it (Concerta). I appealed the school to get back in. I found an excellent support group within the English Department (thank you Kay, Doug, Pat, and all the other professors who helped me figure this thing out!). I ended up successfully graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Literature (history minor). My Ds and Fs switched to As and Bs, with a few exceptions (curse Spanish classes!).

I married my husband Ryan in December 2007 and moved to his family’s cattle ranch. That was about five years or so after I found out I was ADD. Since we live so far away and we were planning on starting a family, I decided to go off of the Concerta.

Since then, I’ve struggled relating to people in this new town, and I’ve struggled with some personal relationships. Even my relationship with Ryan, which has always been very strong, has had some small moments of difficulty caused by ADD complications that I still didn’t understand.

A few weeks ago, we were watching TV and tuned in to the special “ADD and Loving it!?” Watching that, I realized just how much the ADD had messed with my life. I became more aware of its influences once again. Then I purchased the book You Mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! By Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. I’m about 160 pages into the book, and I’m realizing just how much the ADD has influenced every single aspect of my life.

Anyway, I’ve had a hard time dealing with it since I’ve realized these things. I think my biggest issue with the ADD is everybody else’s perceptions of it. Few people know how to “deal” with me! It’s a very misunderstood disorder. So today, I had the epiphany that I should create this blog to help myself work through/cope with the disorder. I hope that by getting inside my head, other people can learn more about what the world is like for the ADDer.

The Inspiration Behind the Blog

This is the song I was listening to when I got the inspiration to start this blog. This is a song I've loved every since I first heard it on the radio, and it's one I've always come back to, it seems.

"Drive"
By Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before and seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there

So, if I decide to waiver my chance
To be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine
And hold my own and drive?
Aah ah ooo

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine?
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there