Bass (As In Not the Fish)

Ok, this is kind of a stupid entry, but it’s something odd I’ve discovered.

I got an iPod years ago. When I married Ryan, he bought me a dock/speakers for my iPod. I listen to music a LOT when working on art. It helps keep me focused, big time.

Anyway, I got the spontaneous urge to bring my stereo up here. It wasn’t doing me any good in town. It’s just been taking up space on my dresser, so yeah. I had a place for it up here, and I brought it.

Well, I discovered something. Bass. I used to love bass in music. The iPod speakers don’t deliver any bass at all. My stereo DOES. It’s part of why I bought it.

So how does that bring me back to the ADD? Well, I discovered something strange about bass that I never noticed before.

Quick sidetrack.

Have you ever noticed that ADDers tend to fidget a lot? I personally prefer the bouncing knee method. It helps provide an outlet for the ADD. I focus a LOT better if I bounce my knee up and down.

Well, I discovered that the sensation of being able to FEEL my music through bass actually achieves the same thing! I NEVER noticed that before! Feeling the bass seriously focuses me more than when I can’t feel the bass.

I know. Strange . . .

Push

It’s taken me some time to think of what to write, I confess. I’ve had a lot of ideas form themselves, but as I lay awake last night running through the million thoughts that always run through my mind when I should be sleeping, I couldn’t help but think of this blog topic.

So, why call this blog entry push? It’s because the verb “Push” has played a large part of my life, both past and present. Let’s start with the past.

Pushing—Flashback to High School
I’ve been thinking back on high school a lot as I’ve been reading up on my ADHD more. I was never popular in high school; I was never unpopular in high school. I was just . . . well . . . there, even though I didn’t want to be.

I think I spent a lot of time in high school pushing everybody away. I don’t trust easily—I never did. I was also reeling still from middle school where a lot of my peers labeled me weird because I talked too much, I talked too fast, I was a slacker, etc. (All of which, incidentally, derive from the ADD :P). Anyway, continuing . . .

By the time I got into high school, I was sick of people, and I started to push everybody away. I had a very “back off and leave me the #*!! alone” mentality. Yeah. I know. I was a real peach :P (note the heavy sarcasm).

Anyway, I was reading in that ADD book (You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!). Apparently, pushing people away is often a defense mechanism. People push other people away to avoid facing the possibilities of rejection or ridicule due to the ADD. Yeap. That was me! I didn’t even know I was doing it until now, either! 0.0 Wow.

Ok, so how am I still doing all of this today?

Being Pushed—Flash back to . . . this morning? o0
Well, I still go through phases where I push people away (though my husband is amazingly immune to all of this, thank heaven! He’s so awesome). Anyway, college taught me a lot about working with people, and I don’t push people away the way I used to. I found my niche in college once I learned to cope with the ADD.

Now, though, the pushing has changed. Instead of pushing people away from me, I find that I get really flustered and frustrated when I start to feel pushed. I’m willing to bet I was like this in high school, but as I can’t remember, I’ll just focus on how I am still apparently this way now.

About four years ago, if you had asked, I would have considered myself a fairly easy going person. I always felt like I took after my grandpa a lot that way (he was always easy-going). I was looking at myself yesterday when I took my horse out for a ride and I realized something: I’m not quite as easy-going as I thought. I’m starting to notice that within myself, I’m a very irritable person.

I can just see some of the people I know saying, “You’re only figuring this out NOW?!” o0. I know. I know.

Anyhow, all of the pieces came together with that epiphany. Weird, huh?

I find that when things get overwhelming—when the ADD puts me in information overload—I get really irritable. I never noticed before, but I do it all the time. I’ve always known that I tend to push back when pushed; I think we’re all that way. Now, though, I’m starting to figure out why I do that, in part.

Example: I was talking to somebody this morning who had a question he/she wanted me to think over with Ryan. This person wanted an answer right then and there and continued to ask the same question over and over. I started to feel myself get really irritable and snappy.

Again back to that ADD book. I guess that happens when I start to feel sensory overload. I DO know that I get irritated when I feel overwhelmed with information, and as an ADDer, I get overwhelmed with information easily. Occupational hazard, I guess :/

As a solution, I think I just need to first learn to notice when I’m getting irritated at being pushed. Second, I need to step back from the situation a bit, when I can. Third, I need to communicate better. I’ll have to try these things out more :).

Phones, Grocery Stores, Anxiety, and Sensory Overload

I took a great picture at our grocery store to go along with this, but I couldn't get it off my phone -.-

Ryan and I were in town yesterday today, and in that time, I had a few experiences relating the title of this blog. I guess I will start with phones.

I HATE phones. HATE THEM. I mean, my phone went out a few weeks ago and I about went mad without it, but I hate calling people. As soon as I need to call somebody, I get all nervous and anxious about EVERYTHING. I mean, it is NOT uncommon for me to make a list of topics I want to discuss on the phone before I make a call.

Ryan and I went to town for a church activity, but something occurred that made going through with that activity difficult (I won't go into details). Anyway, the result of it was that I had to call half the people in town to figure out how to solve the problem!!!! Needless to say, I discovered that my hands turn beet red when I'm nervous!!!!

I reflected on this a great deal. I think that the problem I have with the phones is that MY MIND JUMPS TRACKS. I remember leaving one message yesterday where I went on for a full minute trying to figure out what MY OWN PHONE NUMBER WAS! When I'm NOT put on the spot, I can tell you my number instantly, but when I was under the pressure of leaving a message, FORGET IT. I felt like I was going insane! I mean, seriously. I was so embarrassed after I left that message that I never wanted to touch the phone again!

In my readings, I can see a lot of reasons behind my phone phobia. One reason is the lack of visual cues that assist in reading the situation. Visual cues are important for an ADDer since over 90% of our communication is non-verbal. It's how I monitor my own communication. I mean, I can talk to my friend Josey on the phone for hours because I know her well, but talking to people I don't call on a regular basis . . . forget it. I don't know them well enough to be able to monitor myself, I guess.

The main problem I have when I make calls, though, is that my mind jumps tracks so easily. I think it does this especially when I feel put on the spot or nervous. It goes like this: I get nervous. I pick up the phone. I get more nervous. My mind jumps tracks. I rattle on. The call ends in what I feel is a disaster.

Yeap. That was my day yesterday.

Ok, flash forward to earlier today. Grocery stores . . .

The Moab grocery store is I-N-S-A-N-E right now! I mean seriously!

I have anxiety about grocery stores very similar to ones with phones. There's a reason why I never am seen in the grocery store alone. Grocery stores UNNERVE ME!

I think the problem with the grocery store is sensory overload. My brain takes in so many things all at once that it goes into overload, and I'm not even in the door before I start to feel overwhelmed.

I think it's all the people, the items, the sights, the sounds, the prices . . . especially the prices. One of the main challenges with ADDers is that their brains don't filter distractions.

Ryan and I try to live on a tight budget, which means we spend a lot of time looking at prices in the grocery store. I'm terrible at this. I look at the numbers, but my brain doesn't compute the meanings. I've gotten a bit better with this, but I'm still terrible. Grocery shopping was a lot easier when I just went in, grabbed the items, and left.

I find that I get really irritable, sometimes even aggressive, grocery shopping. From what I've read, I kinda suspect it's because I'm on sensory overload, and that's my body's way of coping with it--it's a very fight or flight response. It's especially bad when the grocery store is as chaotic as the one in Moab is this time of year (tourists EVERYWHERE).

Anyway, I have many more thoughts on these issues running through my head, but I won't bore you with all of the mundane insanity :P.

My Life As An ADDer

Sorry if this is so insanely long. It’s the background behind the blog!

I'm from the small town of Cedar City, Utah. I'm an only child of a single mother.

From the moment I hit school, I started to have troubles relating to other kids. By the time I hit 2nd grade, I began to realize what they all knew . . . I had issues.

I never knew why I couldn't relate well to those around me. When I was around people, I always chattered on endlessly about crazy things like my pets or my cousins (until I got that blank stare that told me that the person I was talking to thought I was crazy). I always talked loudly, interrupted often, and, well, let’s just say I can see why people thought I was a bit insane.

In school, I was always bored out of my mind. I always missed information that the teachers tried to teach, and sitting through classes was . . . let’s just say I felt like ripping my brain out through my ear, I was so bored (sorry about the imagery).

Somehow, I managed to bluff my way through middle school. By the time I got to high school, I had developed a “Back off and leave me alone” defense mechanism because no matter how hard I tried, I just could NOT function well in social situations. In school, I developed the persona of a slacker despite the fact that I enjoy learning. To say the least, it’s a miracle I made it out of high school.

When I got into college, I found that the manipulations I used to get myself through high school didn’t work in the college setting. I got Ds and Fs my entire first year, and at the end of my third semester, I was officially booted from the university.

Still, I had no idea why I had these troubles. Why could everybody else function in society while I had so many roadblocks? I felt stupid, so I decided to have an I.Q. test/Psychological Evaluation done.

Lo-and-behold, I discover the hidden secret behind my troubles. The Psychological revealed that I had Adult ADD and an Avoidant Personality Disorder. Yeah. Yikes! Anyway, I got on medication for it (Concerta). I appealed the school to get back in. I found an excellent support group within the English Department (thank you Kay, Doug, Pat, and all the other professors who helped me figure this thing out!). I ended up successfully graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Literature (history minor). My Ds and Fs switched to As and Bs, with a few exceptions (curse Spanish classes!).

I married my husband Ryan in December 2007 and moved to his family’s cattle ranch. That was about five years or so after I found out I was ADD. Since we live so far away and we were planning on starting a family, I decided to go off of the Concerta.

Since then, I’ve struggled relating to people in this new town, and I’ve struggled with some personal relationships. Even my relationship with Ryan, which has always been very strong, has had some small moments of difficulty caused by ADD complications that I still didn’t understand.

A few weeks ago, we were watching TV and tuned in to the special “ADD and Loving it!?” Watching that, I realized just how much the ADD had messed with my life. I became more aware of its influences once again. Then I purchased the book You Mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! By Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. I’m about 160 pages into the book, and I’m realizing just how much the ADD has influenced every single aspect of my life.

Anyway, I’ve had a hard time dealing with it since I’ve realized these things. I think my biggest issue with the ADD is everybody else’s perceptions of it. Few people know how to “deal” with me! It’s a very misunderstood disorder. So today, I had the epiphany that I should create this blog to help myself work through/cope with the disorder. I hope that by getting inside my head, other people can learn more about what the world is like for the ADDer.

The Inspiration Behind the Blog

This is the song I was listening to when I got the inspiration to start this blog. This is a song I've loved every since I first heard it on the radio, and it's one I've always come back to, it seems.

"Drive"
By Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before and seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there

So, if I decide to waiver my chance
To be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine
And hold my own and drive?
Aah ah ooo

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine?
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yea
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there I'll be there