It’s taken me some time to think of what to write, I confess. I’ve had a lot of ideas form themselves, but as I lay awake last night running through the million thoughts that always run through my mind when I should be sleeping, I couldn’t help but think of this blog topic.
So, why call this blog entry push? It’s because the verb “Push” has played a large part of my life, both past and present. Let’s start with the past.
Pushing—Flashback to High School
I’ve been thinking back on high school a lot as I’ve been reading up on my ADHD more. I was never popular in high school; I was never unpopular in high school. I was just . . . well . . . there, even though I didn’t want to be.
I think I spent a lot of time in high school pushing everybody away. I don’t trust easily—I never did. I was also reeling still from middle school where a lot of my peers labeled me weird because I talked too much, I talked too fast, I was a slacker, etc. (All of which, incidentally, derive from the ADD :P). Anyway, continuing . . .
By the time I got into high school, I was sick of people, and I started to push everybody away. I had a very “back off and leave me the #*!! alone” mentality. Yeah. I know. I was a real peach :P (note the heavy sarcasm). Anyway, I was reading in that ADD book (You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!). Apparently, pushing people away is often a defense mechanism. People push other people away to avoid facing the possibilities of rejection or ridicule due to the ADD. Yeap. That was me! I didn’t even know I was doing it until now, either! 0.0 Wow.
Ok, so how am I still doing all of this today?
Being Pushed—Flash back to . . . this morning? o0
Well, I still go through phases where I push people away (though my husband is amazingly immune to all of this, thank heaven! He’s so awesome). Anyway, college taught me a lot about working with people, and I don’t push people away the way I used to. I found my niche in college once I learned to cope with the ADD.
Now, though, the pushing has changed. Instead of pushing people away from me, I find that I get really flustered and frustrated when I start to feel pushed. I’m willing to bet I was like this in high school, but as I can’t remember, I’ll just focus on how I am still apparently this way now.
About four years ago, if you had asked, I would have considered myself a fairly easy going person. I always felt like I took after my grandpa a lot that way (he was always easy-going). I was looking at myself yesterday when I took my horse out for a ride and I realized something: I’m not quite as easy-going as I thought. I’m starting to notice that within myself, I’m a very irritable person.
I can just see some of the people I know saying, “You’re only figuring this out NOW?!” o0. I know. I know.
Anyhow, all of the pieces came together with that epiphany. Weird, huh?
I find that when things get overwhelming—when the ADD puts me in information overload—I get really irritable. I never noticed before, but I do it all the time. I’ve always known that I tend to push back when pushed; I think we’re all that way. Now, though, I’m starting to figure out why I do that, in part.
Example: I was talking to somebody this morning who had a question he/she wanted me to think over with Ryan. This person wanted an answer right then and there and continued to ask the same question over and over. I started to feel myself get really irritable and snappy.
Again back to that ADD book. I guess that happens when I start to feel sensory overload. I DO know that I get irritated when I feel overwhelmed with information, and as an ADDer, I get overwhelmed with information easily. Occupational hazard, I guess :/
As a solution, I think I just need to first learn to notice when I’m getting irritated at being pushed. Second, I need to step back from the situation a bit, when I can. Third, I need to communicate better. I’ll have to try these things out more :).
